Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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