I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
