New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
