We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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