i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
