why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
