so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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