were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
