I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
