Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
