clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I party with great urgency now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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