just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
