wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
