it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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