just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
