Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
