I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
