do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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