somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
