I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize