Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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