FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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