So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
