We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
