better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
