Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
