I'm gonna have a badass scar
I am puke
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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