He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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