I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
