Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize