Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
