take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
