So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
