i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
