I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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