I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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