i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
