So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize