just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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