Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
