Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
