I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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