I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize