some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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