i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
