The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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