Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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