So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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