so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
