My brain says no but my pants say off.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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