I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
