My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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