oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
