Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
