JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
