Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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