Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
