Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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