1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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