the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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