Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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