whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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