Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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