Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
