I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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