Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
