I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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