Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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