Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
