sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
